I was searching Google for “guidance and support for our children”, and boy did I get lucky! I found 2,940,000 articles in 28 seconds. Wow! It seems there are a lot of people asking the same questions as I. I’ve asked myself this several times, and when I think I’ve found the answers, a new list of problems pops up.
I’m Sandy, I’m 42 years old, and I have three kids—Luke, who’s 19, Greta, who’s 14, and Carolyn, who’s 9. I’ll cut straight to the point. Luke is a great boy, he’s good and has a big heart, but he’s had problems with drugs for a few years now. Greta is beautiful and has a great mind; however she has strange and somber friends and says she is “Goth”. I’m terrified when I see my little girl dressed in black, with skull t-shirts piercings all over her face, and black make-up and nails. I love my two children deeply, but I feel overwhelmed and terrified by their behavior. I’m horrified to think of the future, because I don’t know how to deal with these situations. Carolyn, on the other hand, is my shinning sun. Despite her learning disabilities, she’s my companion, and she gives me more love than anyone. I don’t know what I’d do without her.
I’ve been lucky enough to be a full time mother, which is why I was always certain my kids would never have the kind of problems their school mates were having. I was so wrong! My husband Kurt blames me constantly for our family’s problems. In my eyes, he’s the one to blame because he’s never home. He’s a vet and his job consists of going to horse farms all around the city. He leaves at the crack of dawn, and usually comes back around 8 o’clock at night exhausted. He works all week including Saturday; his only break comes on Sunday.
A few years ago, the kids would wait anxiously for my husband to come home, hoping to play and share with him. They no longer wait for him, because Kurt comes home so tired all he wants to do is watch TV, have a couple of drinks and eat his dinner without talking at all. When he does realize his kids are in front of him, he asks them about school and their grades in a serious and abusive tone. He complains harshly, claiming he breaks his back working for them, and he blames them for his economic problems and shortcomings. He makes me so mad!
Sundays are sacred for Kurt and dedicated entirely to watching sports. After a day of watching soccer and golf games, he’ll get up and check his e-mail. If I ask him for help dealing with our children’s problems, he explodes and the situation gets much worse. I’ve decided not to bring it up anymore and just deal with it myself. I know these problems could lead us to divorce, and if it comes to that, he would be entirely to blame. He thinks his only responsibility is to provide money for us. If he knew how we all felt! The kids are definitely more terrified than I am. Inside of me, I blame him for the family chaos we’re going through and I know he blames me. I’m furious at him and I resent him, but I don’t say anything in order not to rouse his anger. Things would only get scarier and more chaotic.
I’ve looked for all kinds of help to guide and teach my kids. I don’t know what to do God, I feel so scared and so alone.
What do mothers today have to do to guide and support their children? What am I missing? What am I doing wrong?
Beloved Sandy,
I sense the turmoil in your heart and in your mind regarding your children. I have watched over you throughout their lives and seen how much effort you have done to give them your best, to guide and educate them every second of every day. And now you ask me what more you can do? What you have done wrong?
I want you to know you have done nothing wrong, you have done everything you could. All beings have a certain amount of well being within them and with their best intentions do what they think is best even if the results are not what they expected. I know you have looked for all kinds of help but it is time now to get help for you and not for your children. You must heal within you all the wounds, the pain, and anger you’ve kept so long towards your spouse before you decide what more you can do for your children. You’ve made your heart ill with your feelings of injustice; with your resentment of what you lack and with fear that all of you share: fear for your children, fear of your husband’s anger and fear about the future. (Your anger and your fear have sickened your heart) You also fear yourself, because you don’t know what to do or how. You fear you’ve failed the project you have put your life into, your children.
My child, you must first heal and understand that you don’t hold everything in your hands. All you have sowed in your children’s hearts will somehow find a way and bear fruits, maybe not now and maybe not as you expected but life is now their own. Their present behavior might well be a way of expressing their own anger towards their father, however, their language and ways are also part of the time they belong to.
So I bid you now, not to assume guilt and responsibility and to stop blaming your partner. From his perspective he believes he has done the best he could throughout these years. Some times, women have a hard time understanding men’s code, who think that through hard work they are doing all they should for the family to survive and live well. Even though you do not understand his language, deep within his heart, his mind, from the strength of every cell in his being, from all the love he is capable of, he has worked for you. You both wonder (and you cannot fathom how much he asks himself) “how have I failed?” if you both have given everything you can.
Neither of you have failed, but you cannot have all the answers. Your children are the soil on which you sow, and sometimes mushrooms and weeds may seem to get in the way and damage the harvest. No my dear one, you must forgive yourself and him; stop blaming yourself and blaming him; heal your wounds and stop feeling this constant sorrow and pain. So when your children come back, even with earrings and addictions, they can find the warmth of love and joy to return home. Even if he is silent, worried and seeking refuge in his own thoughts doesn’t mean you do too... Your spouse is so worried he doesn’t know how to find his way out. What if you make the difference and heal your mind, your heart and your soul of your past and your present with deliberate intention? Maybe you will be able to bring new joy and lightheartedness to your home.
I must tell you something else. Could you forgive your children for failing to fulfill what you expected of them? Could you stop blaming and rejecting them as well? If so, they may find their way back freely to your love and listen to you and not avoid you.
Whatever you and your spouse gave them, your devotion to them was your choice and you mustn’t complain to them any more. You have done so out of choice, not sacrifice. Your children must not bear the weight of the decisions you made and do not have to pay in any way what you chose to give them. Perhaps if they are released from the weight of your claims they will not need to rebel any more.
And what if by healing you can open a new path towards them so they can really listen, if instead of judging, rejecting and scolding, you remember you too were once young and in your own way developed your own separate codes to be different from those who came before you? Be certain that saving your son from his addiction will not come through judgment and quarreling, which only make him more guarded. If you open your heart to his, there will be a space in which he might listen to your voice and accept his need for help. And if you need to ask him for forgiveness for something, do so. It is humbly, with love, without judgment, blame or shame that they may be able to redeem themselves. As long as you keep condemning them they will go back to feeling guilty and try to avoid their feelings through addiction.
Then, my child, remember you haven’t failed. You must go into a new time. Forget judgment and open your heart. Forget guilt and blame and set forgiveness forth for you, for your spouse, and children. Set your soul free and you will allow them to free their own. You do not have to be a perfect mother, not before Me or anybody else. You only need to go back to your Self and heal so that all around you can heal. You ask me to show you how to guide them. Well, what if instead of telling them what they have to do and how, you open your heart to them? Let them listen to you from within, for they have heard you long enough. And remember, I always walk beside you. If you want to write to me again, do so. I love you. Trust and fear no more. The seed has been planted; take care of the soil that is within you.
